Margo Denay Bereska - Weaving Quantum Core Essence Into Your Awareness
My Blog

Born still. Still born.

We brought our baby boy home yesterday. Not in the little car seat that we expected to but in a tiny box wrapped in red ribbon, a little bag inside containing all that is left behind. A small handful of dust. Nine and a half months of nurturing expectations, visualizing the joys and happiness of new life, a strong, beating heart, a whole life, full of potential. Only to be pronounced stillborn. A heartbeat lost and not found. A perfect 7 pound red head who was born with his eyes closed, still warm, and still born. Just sleeping.

I am generally a fairly keen participant of life. Not of late. Everything looks so different now. Getting through each day with a heaviness that seems impossible to lift, once again I find myself scrolling through the baby buy-and-sell pages, as if I am still expecting a small being to be in my arms, in need of something. This wouldn’t seem off, if I had a baby. But I don’t. So this is me, participating. I can’t seem to do much else. So through hot tears I push myself to type. All I know is that doing so has the potential to help mend back together a shattered heart. A recent reminder on Facebook pops up, in my very own words reminding me that a heart can’t truly be broken. Last week, another reminder from wise old me, that the universe knows the cycle of death perfectly and that everything revolves around divine timing. I silently curse my own wisdom, with a bittersweet knowing. Sometimes I hate knowing. It’s suddenly annoying, harsh, brutal and so, so sad. There is so much that we have control over. And so much we don’t. 

For my whole life - and more so lately - people have told me how strong I am. They have also told me how I have brought them strength. Well, I’ve decided I am about ready to retire from that job. I am ready and quite willing to put down the deadlift and breathe in something much more raw. To be honest, I have never felt so fragile.

We ask why these things happen. I ask why do they happen twice? Twenty years ago, I came home with another small box. He too had left this plane, after a mere twelve-hour existence. A tiny little baby, perfectly still in my arms. It just doesn’t seem fair. For as long as I can remember I have believed we choose. We choose our life path, the lessons we need to learn, our parents, our families, even our experiences of loss. I can’t help but think what kind of person would choose this? What kind of person would choose this horrible pain? Who would elect to hold a tiny brand new life with no life inside? No one should ever have to hold a tiny breathless baby. Let alone twice. A strong person? Like I said. I quit this job. It’s official. And all of this spiritual shit? It doesn’t matter how much you know. Knowing does not allow you to by-pass the experiences that make us who we are. Wisdom is something best learned when applied. Strong? Maybe just human.

So very fragile.

The only strength I have right now is in my mind. My body is tired, my spirit is needing to soar beyond the emotions, but I am held. Held here by the love of others, sharing the space of something so hard to understand and so difficult to bear. An overwhelm of love from friends, family, and even strangers. We came home three weeks ago, so very empty. Our home full of flowers, we have been sent countless cards filled with words that hit deep in the heart, triggering the release of tears and heartache; we’ve been in touch with those we haven’t heard from in years, we have been fed by love with prepared food that we didn’t have to think about making, monetary donations, so much chocolate, and messages to lift us when there are no answers, and no energy to think or act on the day-to-day responsibilities. My mind has had enough practice in life experience to know the importance of gratitude, because when we dig deep enough there is always something to be thankful for. Our capacity to have compassion, to act on that compassion, to re-evaluate how fragile we truly are, to release, allow and accept help when we truly need it is astounding when forcefully applied. There is no doubt that we are all connected, here together on this crowded planet to go through the same things in different ways. We don’t escape pain and suffering by any means, but we help each other through it. I am grateful for so much love, support and compassion. I am grateful for a wonderful partner in my life, who is spiritually mature, sensitive and so very caring, who is also hurting deeply, yet is functional and able when all I want to do is sleep.

Right now there is simply a lot of empty space. None of the answers are good enough. This, apparently, is evolution on the fast track. Perhaps there are those souls out there who are wise enough to be the catalyst for our evolution in the physical realm. Maybe they solely elect a short existence in the comfort of the womb, or for a few short hours on the outside, and we who have lost the wee ones, on some strange and incomprehensible but higher level, agree. We agree to sacrifice for higher learning, to co-operate and exist in a bringing forward of awareness as a reminder that we are indeed human, and that life is indeed precious, painful, full of contrast, full of brilliant ups and downs, steep peaks and deep valleys, and many mountains to climb. One day I believe we will see the full view from our higher, non-physical perspective. In that place I trust that it will all make sense. Right now, not knowing has to be enough, because there is a card amongst the many decks, the one I never like to pull: the path of mystery.

What I do know, and without doubt because life has definitely proven it to me, is that there is an infinite amount of hope, compassion, love, and human potential which we must see in order to grow, to overcome, and to have the faith to try again. When there is a will, there is always a way. But first we must have the will to find the way. And the way is in our experiences - be they marked good or bad. We can only walk one step at a time.

If all of this makes me strong, then I will take it all, all of the classes, even the repeated ones, and I will hold that wisdom and share that with you, and take my diploma with grace and I will walk off of the stage in cap and gown, just a little more fragile, a little more open and a little more vulnerable. We will be strong enough. To try again.

When there is nothing else, there is hope.

Am I quitting my job?

To clarify, I am not quitting the work I do. I feel that we need spiritual strength the most when the world sees so many changes, and when life sucks and throws us these seemingly unbearable blows. Even though I haven’t been chatting with the angels as much lately, I know they are there doing what they can, and will be there as always when I am ready again. So when I say I quit, the job I am referring to is in the archetypal warrior sense of being “strong”. I love the archetypal goddesses who get through the worst of experiences and come out more fierce and more solid. I am just saying it out loud, or maybe screaming it to the universe, that I feel more than done with the hard ways of learning. I am willing to accept the ease of life and if anything, through these challenges, I will align with that ease. Suddenly I am more than okay to be transparent, vulnerable, and bleeding openly on these pages, even when hurting. It has been a long time since I have felt like writing, if I can do anything right now then this is it. Perhaps I can also find a patio with sunlight and oysters......

Thank you for sharing with us. Thank-you for your love, prayers and support. We feel it.

9 Comments to Born still. Still born.:

Comments RSS
Barbara Simpson on June-26-17 4:58 PM
Dear Margo, you are such a beautiful soul to this earth. You are an amazing woman, through and through. The beauty and love that you share with those around you exude such light and energy. I am sending love and hugs across the miles to you and Ian. Barbara xo
Reply to comment

Debra Lang on June-26-17 6:46 PM
So much love to you Margo.
Reply to comment

Kim on June-26-17 7:04 PM
Day by day 🙏. Sending love to you Margo co
Reply to comment

Mychol Ormandy on June-26-17 7:10 PM
That was so Beautiful, I'm thinking of you guys. I Love you and miss you very much. xoxo
Reply to comment

Selina on June-26-17 8:11 PM
Beautiful writing Margo, my heart feels for the both of you and the heartache you went through. But may the universe finally take note and give you an easier path when the moment is right to try again. Much love to you both. 💖
Reply to comment

Sandra on June-26-17 8:39 PM
Margo, you are so right in writing. Put down in word and make your thoughts real. I remember a medicine man saying that we should not pray for strength because to get strong you have to have very hard lessons. I never prayed for strength again. You are incredible and I love you and your gifts.
Reply to comment

Bridget Rogers on June-26-17 9:15 PM
These words. Well put- mother of two. I don't know what to say except I love you and I'm here in space & time with you.
Reply to comment

Pamela on June-26-17 11:29 PM
Thank you for sharing Margot! You are brave, and strong, as much as you don't want to hear this, you are more than a mentor and a leader. Actually. I don't really know what you are! But those are some small things that I see. I can not imagine the pain you are experiencing. I too have been questioning the universe and it's sometimes fucked up ways. If it makes you feel at all better, I have seen many women go through the heartache of not being able to hold their baby, or watch it grow. I have also seen many families adopt babies from the hospital, strangely enough the women who can give birth to healthy babies don't want them....?! Fucked up. Those little babies somehow find a way into loving arms when they were brought into this world not knowing if they would be loved, wanted, or cared for. Don't give up Margot, you bring SSSOOOOO much light and love into this world, you truely make this life a better one in so many wonderful ways. Please be patient, i know that there will be love light and happiness in your heart again. Remember that it is good to cry and I hope that your tears can help ease the pain. Xoxox
Reply to comment

Kathryn Ritter on June-27-17 12:35 PM
So glad to see that you are writing Margo. It can be very powerful medicine as it's clear you know. You and I have not met, but I have known Ian as one of the finest human beings on the planet and a powerful artistic force for good in the world for many years. I am sending you both love and light every day. I hope you keep writing.
Reply to comment

Add a Comment

Your Name:
Email Address: (Required)
Make your text bigger, bold, italic and more with HTML tags. We'll show you how.
Post Comment
RSS Follow Become a Fan

Delivered by FeedBurner

Recent Posts

The teaching of the cave
Return to Niagara.
Born still. Still born.
Spring & the Sacral chakra. Orange power!
A view from the nest


A few good men superman hero divine masculine power balance what a mom can teach her son
Addiction the illusion of suffering
blogging not blabbing spiritual rewards, healing, miracles
Brave heart stonhenge dark night of the soul awakening light brews bears magic forest
Calm is the new chaos. What storm? Let it rain. Reflections of a human apprentice. Lake and nature.
Change what you must moon vortex potential soul spirit salad leggo my ego now is actually when
christmas balance auric vibrations party's defence mechanisms psychic clearing energy boosters
co-dependency independence love glory rise train trips travel freedom light love joy
co-dependency, cyber dating, mirrors, ego , release truth
Cyber love affair cat out of the box cyber addiction overrides healing love in life times let god
Easter eggs healing neck pain sunshine brilliance birth seeds
Eclipse moon power sunshine shadows submission reveals divine cleansing re-boot the system active
Egg of creation our divine connection to source energy where there is a will there is a way be loved
Energy of the Horse power and influence of cosmic resonance wisdom strength and forward motion Giddy
enlightenment 8th chakra ascension quantum space clear with divine honey of source energy light
Fighting for love or drowning in love, cycles of suffering turned wisdom the flow of life is easy
Financial freedom infinity success entrepreneur spiritual capitalist bank money universal abundance
food senses taste wine guilty pleasures expansion and music of life
Food, Super Hero's, GMO, Speaking up, Organic, leadership, human balance, positive changes, voic
getting it done divine timing vacation breath work life joy play ocean business spirit motivation
Goblin tricksters the real picture enchantment relationships allowing love energy ascension soul
Goden grid healing activation cosmic source spirit fuel spirituality DNA God ascension meditation
Golden badge, healing, release, fairy's, goblins, blogging not blabbing
Hay House radio Publishing Blog book writing Purpose Play Passion Love not War Win Done Deal
Home play spiritual grounding lucky charms angel connections spiritual rebel quantum soul wings free
Human apprentice experiment let love be powerful honeymoon love
I see clearly Anja eyes third eye chakra balance awaken open your eyes wake up time
international woman's day A healing shift transform psychic medium fairytales
Jasper Rocky Mountains snow enchantment fantasy world chocolate sundaes swimming boredom cure
Life Death Infant loss Acceptance Roar balance water flow crash
Light-weaving the galactic and quantum fields into awareness earth grids connection source love
Love joy bliss wonder transformation truth divinity
Love love love love love love love
Magic balance love light dark illusion
Magic Manifest powerful intention creation focus hocus-pocus
Magic manifestation practical magic inner child belief believe magician sorceress
Marriage relationships sacred union soul mates flings purpose destiny calling in soul mate no rush
Moddy blues eclipse galactic weather healing death life quantum god source energy love beyond life
New Year Addictions habbit good question what about the spirit behind the scenes love is the way
New Year created bliss love joy have it all
Pearls open to wit beyond widow sacred soul journey open to new birth shine spirit outward jewels
psychic reading tarot cards letting go moving on over it love is everywhere open a new chapter
Root chakra energy RED spiritual balance bootcamp cleanse rejuvenate detox
Sacral chakra love and indulgence
Sacral chakra sensual creative spiritual balance orange passion
Scapegoat BAAAAA! Love Purpose mission life spiritual beings her on a job post harmony joy fuel
Self Thy self in all directions of time, into beyond. I am perfect, healthy wealthy and wise YOU r 2
Simple divine being oneness spiritual being infinite love Crown chakra freedom is enlightenment
Six simple things the are of not looking simple life of joy balance peace and love pleasures living
Solar Plexus Power Confidence joy happiness laughter brilliant universal core self spiritual truth
Soul mates, relationships, twin flames, love, men, women. Truther.
Soul recreation game changer spiritual and personal bounderies better path love and joy healthy love
Soul Truth. Origen in vast brilliance of creation
Sparkle cat Shopping abundance psychic world spiritual material paradox balanced world
Spirit food, soul food, happy meal, pain body, healed, joy spirituality, psychic, mediumship
Star of david enlightenment love portals new wave energy light love and all things awesome
Sunshine depression gloomy happy SADS alter perception happy sun light and rainbows glow healing
The cat came back hawaii play fun love joy gypsy you asked answer long blogs are my thing :) spirit
Throat chakra spiritual balance talk say it loud throat universal wisdom knowledge information
train time
true love is the truth that you set free heart chakra green spiritual universe love
Truth fantasy fiction wizard of OZ
Twin flame deja-voodo love heat flames volcanic eruptions burning truth relationships psychic con
Twin Flame relationships overcoming fear harmony love destiny soul connections spirituality cosmic
Twin flames science quantum belief beyond love inner war surrendor
When the heart hurts. Stillborn. Born still. Still born.
powered by

Website Builder provided by  Vistaprint