When life is too much, why not sleep by the falls?
On life, death, grieving and somehow, accepting what is.
A humanly spiritual perspective.
A few weeks ago, I had a firm conclusion that the absolute worst experience ever that a person could go through was to lose a child. It's true. It has happened to me twice. I know. Then all too recently a friend from town also lost her child to stillbirth; it broke my heart all over again and the tears began to flow like an overflowing lake breaking already unstable land. Then, a lovely couple that I have so much respect for, also lost their son to MS. Then, Vegas happened. A truly insane, horrific and horrendous act of the worst type of violence there is, and where another mother and loving father lost their daughter several years after they said good-bye to their young son.
It had all become too much. Although I will not focus too deeply on the brutality that life sometimes shows us, there is so much that must be said. Aloud. On paper. Some things are not meant to be contained.
It is unbelievable, truly unbelievable, that it took an act so terribly awful for me to decide that I needed to turn things around somewhat. I was given perspective, a truly terrible perspective to think that losing two children, both under the ages of thirty was most definitely the most horrible; worse maybe, because the execution of such horror was in such a sick, truly brutal way. This nasty reality was a "sliver of perspective," an uncomfortable truth which is what it took for me to finally get my ass off the couch and step back into service.
I had of course been mourning such a massive degree of utter disappointment, a tragic, very sad loss in my own life. My second baby, and fifth pregnancy loss, has been hard to bear. I can honestly say that I was stewing, soaking in the depths of the grief that eventually becomes inevitable. I was also stewing in frustrations. Although I did not originally feel angry at such loss, because the depths of sadness were simply too much to hold, anger had finally come. I was mad, mad that I had finally worked so hard for and had finally manifested so much good. I truly did feel so happy and so alive in my reality, like “I finally had it all.” I had a brand new, beautiful home, I was engaged to the man I saw so long ago (the one with a sensitive heart made of gold), and we were both ready, oh so ready to bring home a new born baby with all of the energy to care for him.
My castle had totally crumbled and I honestly didn’t know how to put it back together. My tool belt was emptied.
I felt angry that I had ugly kitchen cupboards that I never wanted, mad that we had taken possession of our new home in March and we still hadn’t had the bath tub fixed eight months later, upset that the new build finishes had dragged out so long, disappointed that certain friends didn’t get in touch or ask if I needed a visit, and the ones that did, I canceled if I couldn't drag myself out. I felt like such a mess. I was such a mess. Not being able to bathe away such tension was eating at my spiritual sanctuary, my connection where I can be totally alone, to disperse and transmute what goes on emotionally and energetically in a life often too full of psychic vision & too much empath overload.
“Oh you must be so unhappy” or “It is not our fault, it was someone else's mess up” or simply no response at all - these were a few of the various responses I received to my "unreasonable" requests in my futile attempt to express myself to create action.
I do consider myself a reasonable person. I understand well that it is not always "all about me." I believe I am actually a very reasonable person if I'm honest.
I am quite certain I would have been equally as frustrated with or without this horrible life experience we've been through. The only difference is that I might have had the energy to cope a little better. We are definitely not sewn together to be perfect all the time and all of us need compassion, especially, when we are some of the ones who give it so freely. When you're a positive person, people don't handle it well when being "nice" gets boring.
Taking responsibility and seeing the power we have to make a difference in someone’s world are major keys to life. Taking the responsibility to understand the power we have to alter our own thoughts and energies are crucial.
I hate to say it, but maybe that's why these absolutely, horrendous and unbelievable things happen. Through the many layers of emotional mud that accompany any tragedy, we are given an opportunity, an opportunity to rise into a space in which we are able to lift compassion on such a massive scale. Somehow we see a bigger picture and get over ourselves. In those spaces, we know that ugly cupboards and new build nuisances are small in comparison to the bigger stuff.
It was obvious that I was becoming more and more off balance with these growing frustrations, and I knew it.
When faced with life trauma, we definitely have that right to be fully human. We can all be jerks from time to time, without any mean intention at all. Compassion is the vibe that allows us to really "get" that. But it doesn't always work that way. So when others don't respond the way we would like, or when we don’t have the capacity to respond the way we could, it's only up to us to get ourselves together. When our tool belt seems to be lacking, we need help. If we don't feel that help is available we need to ask, or, we need to break away for a minute. Sometimes we have absolutely no control over situations, and in order to assess things, we need to step away from the situation we are in.
I don’t know about you, but I don't want to become a hard or negative person, let alone a miserable one. I needed to do something STAT, something that I did have control over, so I booked a trip! A trip into the falls of Niagara. If I couldn't have a bath in my home, I would accept the most cleansing of Mother Nature's showers, once again.
I was grateful that I heeded this intuitive nudge to go when I did. This was far before I had become aware of the Vegas shooting, where we lost our Jasper local, and friend Calla Medig :,(
When Calla appeared to me, I had no choice but to get out of my own reality. She was loud and clear! Calla really really really wanted to talk, not just to me, but to many. It was truly an honour to have her around, a blessing to me as well as a clear message that I could share with others who have been hurting. Even though I will never be able to wrap my head around this event, my heart knows that she is okay. It's those who are left without her that I can't help but offer what I can. I was once Calla's messenger and she has without doubt become one of mine.
But before you can help others you've got to fill your own cup. So of course, I answered her call and offered what I could, then headed to Toronto on a three night train trip that lifted me back into the belief which I felt I was slipping away.
Boarding the train I gave a loving hug along with a bittersweet cheers to Jasper as I sipped on cheap but refreshing champagne, and watched the beauty of Jasper's National Park roll by; it's always a place that brings me a certain stillness, a feeling I otherwise might not know. My biological Dad worked for CN, which allowed me many memorable journeys on the train to visit, often just with my siblings, which was special in its own unique way. On my way to the dome car upon departure, I couldn't help but notice a very happy person, a lovely smiling woman, also clearly on a journey. She reminded me of myself a few chapters ago. Writing in her journal, beautiful smiling eyes, and with pencil crayons to colour with. The next evening, I couldn't help but see her shining light while we sat in the same car to watch the prairie sunset. I was mostly keeping to myself as I was having a hard time lifting. I missed the part of me that I saw in her. I thought I must have looked like a miserable frowning grouch to her.
However, the next day, she introduced herself as Peggy and asked if I would like to join her for a drink at the end of the train before dinner. Of course I accepted! Apparently she had seen a glimmer in me. I somehow felt that we had chosen each other. I knew this was true when Peggy opened up, expressing some of her fears, including the fear of being alone. I was automatically proud of her for being on this trip alone, obviously jumping in bravely to face that fear. Once I opened up my own story as to why I was there, our hearts had connected, and I was guided to share openly some of the insights I was getting for her. We both shared tears over our happy hour drinks, and I could feel my shrinking heart expand - little sparkles of a joy that I knew once again, and that we are all messengers for each other. I was gratefully reminded that coincidence is actually divine order. Smiling radiantly Peggy had told me that she had prayed to the creator for this meeting, well here was a bit of proof that I needed too, that most prayers do come true.
I was reminded again that I do have a gift, one that I am here to share.
Even when I'm tired of being an old soul, seemingly pushed too hard into feeling bitchy about life, I still have enough sparkle to be chosen by happy people. How refreshing.
Of course, all kinds of other wonderful "coincidences" took place to prove that there is good underlying everything.
Oh the mist, the memories. The mist, the mist!
We were nine hours late into Toronto, hello Canada rail!
I almost missed my connection to Niagara which would have been an annoying and pricey mishap, but my angels sent me an earth angel who found me and then offered so kindly to get me there! Bless her heart. My spirit was attracting deliciousness.
I walked into my suite which I had purposely booked to be as close as possible to the Canadian side, Horseshoe Falls. This time, I needed more than a quick visit! It was late, so first I filled up a very hungry belly as I watched the falls light up (such a hypnotic digestion!) and followed with a magically giant, hot jacuzzi. Sinking in never felt so good! What a view! Niagara is a powerful Goddess. Did you know? Her spirit is profound. It is not the tourists that make this majesty incredibly communicative. I had the window wide open so that I could feel the power of her wind, hearing what one might mistake as fury. We all need to ROAR from time to time without judgement, that is one of her many teachings. She is indeed wise, and oh what hydrotherapy can do! Especially when so close to the power of her roar.
The magical science of water.
Water is Earth's emotional healer.
An element we cannot live without, water cleanses, purifies and sustains our very being; it supplies the energy we've come to depend on in modern life, and wraps us while simultaneously transforming with our intentions, turning into clay the dirt we accumulate. We need water just as water needs us. Spirit tells me there will never in infinity be less than a drop. Nonetheless, for that reason, we must honour through appreciation by caring for that which sustains our world, this planet, this life. When was the last time you had a shower, and actually stopped to really feel how brilliant it is?
The last trip I made out to the East, I had so much baggage to dump into the potent glory of Niagara's crashing spectacle, and I truly had no idea what she could do until I heard the invitation. At the time there was an electrical, magnetic torture taking place in my life which was comparable to a meth addiction overtaking my being. It had become so painfully habitual that still, to this day, it's a fragile wound that opens, especially when I am vulnerable or reflective. If you've ever felt trapped and controlled by a narcissist, beware it has the potential to break you. If you’re wise, which you are, you will do what you must - you will stop contact forever and do whatever it takes as many times as it takes to walk away in tact. Luckily, I am an expert in this now, even though "he" still passes through my head and manages to get into my life, he can't get in or mess me up like he used to. Even with an online death threat.
Weirdly enough however, those torturous 7 years mingled with the many, many lifetimes that I have experienced with him, have somehow been harder on my spirit than having to experience the pain of so much recent loss. It is all connected. Pain, like grief is hard to measure. Grief is an impossible void to fill, but once you've been enlightened, you can comprehend death on a certain level. But being in any type of relationship that is emotionally abusive, repetitive, unfulfilling, confusing, manipulative and unclear, essentially describes what it might feel like to be riding a wild unicorn high on cocaine at a cheap circus. This? This takes on a whole other level of understanding. Unfortunately this is the same energy that creates mass shootings or similarly insane events. Trying to walk away from it is much like death, many of the same emotions are felt. What makes it hard is that often the person is still actually there, tampering consistently with your sense of well-being. If you're an empath, which you likely are because you're the best bait for a narcissist, then this will likely always be an energy present in your periphery. Don't fall in. Go forward, love yourself more, be worthy enough to accept the right kind of love and cherish it.
Certain situations don’t deserve the energy they get. Although there were mirror images needing to be cleared, this trip was different - there was a better reason why I had returned to Niagara. That old boring story had definitely transformed in that first dumping. Years worth of baggage started by an innocent, playful interest turned into terrible, unhealthy patterns for both parties. With a lot of help and loads of divine intervention, I somehow managed to be very happy through most of it; I did rise out of the cycle, gloriously if I say so myself. Miracles happened. Actually. The universe is kind. It has gifts available all the time, when we are aligned into them. Sometimes life creates a fall. We are essentially water:
"Water falls. that's what it does" *
I had booked the afternoon at a spa. I knew with the touristy insanity of the falls that I would be susceptible to psychic overload. I felt overdue for some TLSelfC in a quiet space just for me.
I woke up totally excited to do what I had come all this way to do. I walked down to the crashing sound of the falls toward the horn blower boat launch, where I was as if by magic whisked through line-ups finding myself to be the first one on board, just like last time. What a welcome! The excitement of this twenty minute ride gets really potent as one approaches the falls, going deeper and deeper into the profound tumbling escape of waters that crash so boldly, as if to cleanse after such a long journey. I could automatically feel the force of her energy pulling up stuffed down emotion. I felt like I had held in too many tears, even though I had never cried as much as I have in the last six months. I could feel so much collective pain. So much of it was my own, but the small watery tears became streams, which became rivers, which then flowed into lakes. Each tear became a river of built up situations, far too many emotions to handle, all that had all just become too much. We gained speed, and suddenly the joy of everyone's excitement was background noise, and I just let it all flow out, like the roaring goddess herself. My heart pounded as it all came up. I felt like I cried for everyone, entering into the deepest depths that the boat would go and getting drenched by her force. Although my raincoat shielded me from the rain from the falls and prevented me from getting soaked, her magical waters found a way in. A massive drop hit me right at the chest-bone and then found its way down past my belly; my saddened heart was also shedding tears into my empty womb, tears to be cleansed by this welcomed body of water. Another massive droplet got in, down the back of my neck too, to the absolute base of my spine. As this powerful being pushed us back out into her intense river, I heard a quiet whisper of suggestion: “Let me clean your back as well, with my wind of nature, allow the transformation of that heavy grief of recent past.” As I allowed this, suddenly I felt a rushing joy as a refreshing laughter bolted into my spirit; I was suddenly aware again that I was part of a laughing community of youth. I recalled my own youth before I knew the experience of infant loss.
My first little man would be turning twenty today (November 21st). This truth on paper is for him. Both babies have been teachers of bold expression.
As my reflexologist dug into the points of my feet, I lay upward trying not to count the dots in the ceiling, focusing on how good it felt, as more emotion started to rise. Tears were still wanting to flow, and when I asked myself why I was crying, I saw that I had hurt myself. I was weeping because I had an argument with a dear friend, whose intention had been nothing but to be helpful to us. I wept that I had acted out of balance, and I wept because my dreams had been shattered and I thought I should somehow be stronger, and I wept for all parents who had lost their children at any age, and for anyone who was feeling stuck or frustrated. Mostly I wept because in my deepest truth, I didn’t want to be having a foot treatment in Niagara, I wanted to be at home, as a new Mom, as a family with my partner, tired, with a little bundle of new life to care for. As this awareness was released from me I knew it wasn’t my job to hold on to all of this anymore. I couldn’t. Wrapping myself in the love I felt around me, I dozed off for a minute into a more gentle realm, where life was easier. I could feel a glimpse of that stream of ease, returning to me, not so far away. It feels like I am still waiting. But it will come.
I was trying to be as grateful as possible, with the nutshow of tourists even in shoulder season, it was now obvious that my dinner reservation was not going to be anything but quiet, so I treated myself to steak & crab legs, which I took up to my room with a fine glass of wine. The whole purpose of this trip was to be close to the falls, and my view was perfect. Dinner was delicious, all I could seem to think about was a cigarette - funny how habits are... I quit smoking a long time ago, but I do enjoy one from time to time even when I know its not good for me. Luckily I don't have an obsessive addictive personality, so I headed down to the lobby, and once outside I located the first person I could, politely asking him for a smoke. He happily lit this toxic stick of tainted tobacco, making some obvious comment about my figure as I began to walk away. I was feeling light and playful by now, and less likely to punch someone in the face! I am not generally the type to get all mad so long as a man is respectful, and while we stood there and had a quick chat, he attempted to get me to join his friend's bachelor party. I declined, advising him that my biggest intention was to have a giant soak and that I was a happily engaged woman. His honestly was strangely refreshing. The interaction somehow helped me to lift. Sometimes we do that for each other. I know for myself it gets dangerous if I become too introverted. I felt lighter, but besides dessert, what I truly needed was more solo time, so I called it a night and enjoyed another somewhat distracted soak - after all it was my last night.
I was able to get deep enough into my meditation during which I conversed with what I interpret as the being of Niagara. I loved what she showed me: her wisdom showed me my two trips into the falls, and during both I had been releasing and letting go of some major stuff. Such a ceremonial release my ritualistic soul knows has effect. With clarity, there was another invitation for me to return but this time I was shown I needed to not dump and give away, but to receive.
Waking up to the most beautiful sunny view of the falls, my first instinct was to make a coffee and enjoy the view while taking my time to get up. My intuitive voice never lies, today I was hearing it clearly, “GO NOW.” I didn’t waste another minute for another opportunity, and headed down to the boardwalk which leads to the excursion into the mist. I was again grateful that I listened because I was literally the last one on the boat or I would not have had time to wait for the next one. The crowds had found the sweet spot at the front of the boat, and I secretly wished someone would freak out and get out of the way while the other part of me tried hard to willingly share the glory of that energy. By the time we had approached the intense depth of the crashing waters, a handful of tourists declined the powerful invitation, allowing my wish to be granted! I stepped happily into the front to fully enjoy another divine shower. This time I allowed the joy of such force, the potent flow of crashing energy which hit every part of my spirit. I did indeed feel different this time. Receiving is such an important part to the bigger picture, especially after we decide that there is a need to let go. Look at that teaching. Absolutely invaluable. Fill up what you empty.
I am so glad I made the trip.
We honestly aren’t built to let go easily.
Just like the last time I visited, I remembered again that truly letting go takes time.
Nature has endless cycles of death, re-birth and transformation; when we can learn from nature, it is much easier to fully grasp that sometimes we do have to let things fully die.
Grief of the heart is more than just a sadness, more than an emotion. It is an experience that has many layers. Life guarantees heartache; sometimes we can change that and sometimes we cannot. Sometimes, we fall, just like water. But eventually we need to get up.
I felt that I could easily have had another week to myself, but I also love that I came home, not just to a house but to my home. To our home. Home to an amazing man, who is and has no trouble being honest, kind, gentle, loving, insanely talented, spiritually aware, spiritual gifted, and truly mature. I love that he gets me, that I never have anything to hide, that he encourages me to do what I need do for myself, even if I am a total gypsy who needs my own space from time to time. There is never an insecurity or judgement which causes issues, and that my friends? Is true love.
What I re-discovered is my balance, my gifts and that sometimes horrible things happen and that we, with the help of loved ones, friends, family and self-healing have so much more power than we know.
I am here to become a Mom most definitely, but right now I am here, once again and always, in service.
Interestingly, since I’ve arrived back home, the bathtub has been fixed, the remaining deficiencies are pretty much complete, and I would be lying if I said there were not still some annoyances, but I no longer feel angry at anyone. YAY me! Now, we've got a basement to complete and a divine business to start! This should be fun!?
I can't actually have it another way. But I can appreciate the roar of the flow.
What we transform inwardly will always transform in the outer world.
Whew! What a ride it has been.
I Love you!
Keep trekking on my friends. There is so much light when we insist on finding and attaining balance, in discovering that life is not always made that way. Spiritual or not, we are all human.
Until next time.
The medicine of the East. Sometimes it is spring in the fall, welcome to Winter! Wishes fulfilled past present and future.
This is the Spring. It is
the place of new beginnings, the dawn of a new day, and birth. This
season is represented by the color yellow, like the sunrise. Many of the
qualities of babies (human and critters) are echoed in this season.
Innocence, trust, vulnerability, wonder, and curiosity can be found or
reclaimed during this season.
Seeds are pushing their way through the Earth striving to grow. Many
trees and other fauna are in bloom. In order for babies, plants or trees
to grow and blossom they must be tended and nurtured. The same holds
true for you and any dreams, ideas, or ways of being that you are hoping
to give birth to and grow in the Spring. Make sure the proper care and
nurture is given.
*Water falls. That's what water does. Pauletteblanchettedube Find her on insta! Amazing soul.